MATOKE FOR DINNER

Colonial period in Kenya were hard times but every community in Kenya had heroes that led the resistance. Dedan Kimathi is the best-known person for leading the Mau-Mau rebellion. Moraa wa Ng’iti  was for the the Abagisii community in Kenya, what Muthoni wa Kirima was for Agikuyu, or even more. Moraa wa Ng’iti is a documented heroine of the Abagusii people and a review of the heroic stories of Moraa makes for an interesting read.  Sotries are told that Moraa Wa Ng’iti belonged to the great Kitutu clan. She was married to Ng’iti, a highly regarded traditional healer in colonial times. She was a different kind of woman because, while women in those days were only required to bear, take care of children and tend farms, Moraa was very outspoken against colonial rule in Abagusii land at a time when women were not supposed to speak before men. At the height of political resistance and when some Kisii chiefs were giving in to pressure to collaborate with the British, Moraa wa Ng'iti continuously incited her people to revolt. The worst time is said to have been in 1905 when the colonial army, driven by vengeance against the Abagusii rebellion, killed so many people, burning their homesteads, seizing livestock and destroying their crops.

One leader of the colonial army was Geoffrey Northcote who was one of the Britons most hated person by the Kisii people for his heartless killings of locals. Moraa burnt with anger for what Northcote was doing to her people. She incited the entire community, telling them that Northcote was a sick man because only very sick people were yellow or white in colour.

Otenyo Nyamantere was brought up by Moraa wa Ngi’ti. He was nephew to her and learnt brevity from her to become the best warrior of Abagusii people at that time. Otenyo was encouraged by Moraa to lead the rebellion against the colonizers. So, he assembled the finest Abagusii warriors and took on the British. His warriors were armed with only poisoned arrows and spears. They laid an ambush for the British who were led by Northcote.  During the attack, Otenyo is said to have speared Northcote on the right shoulder before Northcote could draw his gun in defence, leaving him for dead. That was victory that made the Abagusii to celebrate Otenyo through song and dance. He had become a superhero to them for having killed the white colonial administrator who had tormented them in the past, or so was thought. The Abagusii warriors meanwhile were so motivated by Otenyo’s bravery that they started carrying out frequent raids. Unknown to them, Northcote had not only survived being speared by Otenyo but had sent a message to Kisumu for reinforcements, which arrived in three days. Many people were killed so that Otenyo could come from hiding and be captured. Moraa Ng’iti was pressured to hand over her nephew in exchange for end to the killings. The Abagusii elders agreed to the deal and Otenyo was made the ransom. Otenyo was executed, beheaded and hung from a bridge. His head was transported to London as proof that he was dead and put into a British museum.

Abagusii people are not short of heroes. George Moseti Anyona contested the presidency in 1992 but prior to that, he had had unending trouble with the government for being outspoken against corruption and bad governance. For instance, he was arrested by the Jomo Kenyatta government in 1977 for protesting award of a tender for supply of wagons to the then East African railways. Between 1977 and 1992, he was always in trouble, in and out of prison for questioning illegalities in government at a time when people were afraid to do so. All through, he kept a reputation as principled, championing free expression of thought, democracy and a just and equal society. He lived a modest life, never seeking to enrich himself from the offices he held and hated the culture of corruption and insatiable greed for money that prevailed in the country.

Today, there is a young man called Morara Kebaso who has set himself apart as outspoken person against corruption. He has risked his life several times for assessing actual projects funded or launched by both national and county governments. He gathers information on the amounts in funding and the projects on ground and on many occasions has exposed grand corruption that happens in the governments that we elect. He has also had trouble with KRA regarding tax payments, and one cannot be quite sure whether it is genuine or witch hunt by the government. He wants to be president and whether fit, ready or not is anyone’s decision to make.

Fred Matiang’i was once e a cabinet secretary in uhuru’s government and when he held the education docket, he is credited with efficiency and just to remember, he ensured KCPE results were released like 3 weeks before Christmas and KCSE results before the new year as opposed to what was normal, February the following year. He wants to contest for presidency in the coming elections and seems to be favored as a compromise candidate by many political formations. President Ruto seems frightened by Matiang’i. I saw his tweet on X tagging world bank informing them of political activities of their employee, Matiang’i, questioning whether world bank allowed such conduct for their employees. Whether Matiang’i is fit for presidency or not is for any Kenyan to judge considering some corruption mentions especially in the 1.5B Ruaraka land saga and also a fact of being fronted by usual politicians who would later require him to pay royalties.

David Kenani Maraga was Kenyan chief justice from 2016 to 2021 and famous in his tenure was nullification of 2017 general election that was allegedly won by uhuru Kenyatta, after protests by the opposition side led by Raila Odinga. Maraga comes as a brave person who is not afraid to stand by the rule of law and is a believer that proper adherence to the rule of law would bring order to our country. Maraga seems to be fronted to run the presidency by Gen Z leaders and seems to be buying the idea. He presents himself as a person who never involved himself in any corrupt deals and at one time dared anyone with information about his involvement in corruption to come public and say so. No one has taken the challenge to date and that may mean that the man is completely clean.

In the coming elections, we ought to be wiser and first judge whoever presents themselves for elective posts to ensure we elect only clean ones. The formula for electing the most popular has only worked to hurt us. We have trusted people with questionable pasts and the results are a country sinking into more troubles in all spheres of society. What if I based my vote on a track record of integrity and not verbal promises and voted wisely even if alone?  Things would change if all of us did so.

Romans 14:2 says that ‘One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables.’ It is boring to keep eating the same kind of food and a new meal works well as a relief to our sense of taste and appetite. I think our next meal just needs to be different. Fish seems a little expensive and like we have not afforded it for some time now, it seems much more difficult to come by in our next meal. What we are sure of is that we are not eating any Githeri or drinking any Mursik. Those foods have not been very good for our stomachs, especially the last glass of Mursik. What seems available and ready is Matoke and I think we should have matoke as our next meal. At worst, we should have a combination of Matoke and Mothokoi, that is an already known 7^th heaven combination. But if we must take bananas, let’s choose the best that are clean and without blemish.

So, for our country not to go bananas, we should have matoke as our next meal but only of choice clean bananas. But any food we are served should be clean and healthy, that is of utmost importance regardless of what we take.

But first, we all need to agree to take good food. So, what will that be? Or shall we have matoke for our next dinner?

 

@ Stephen Mungai

 TRIBUTE TO A FALLEN SOLDIER

On the 6th March this year, I started sharing weekly stories aimed at encouraging positivity in our approach to life and interaction with others. The first story that I posted that day was titled, ‘Ash Thursday’. It was inspired by Ash Wednesday and the concept of ashes in relation to faith and biblical teachings. The concept is as simple as, we came from dust and to dust we will return. The best biblical verse for that explanation is Genesis 3:19 which says, ‘By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” 

A few days ago BBC Africa ran a documentary titled ‘blood parliament’ that I watched. It raised my emotions of rage and anger seeing how the Kenyan government had deployed the military during the Gen Z protests, with special instructions to kill and scare away the protestors. Though it featured only 3 young men who fell by the killers bullets, many young people lost their lives that day and throughout the days the protests were happening. To me, that was the time the government lost its legitimacy because, you are an illegitimate government if you turn the gun on your own people. 

Gen Z is a different crop of people, they are easy to deal with for their forthrightness. They know what they want, they know their rights and are not afraid to challenge existing structures to get what is rightful theirs. They are totally honest and if you want to have honest conversations, this is the generation that says it like it is. The best of them accept their situation in life and do the much that they are able to do to make their situation better. These characteristics are good but many times put them in the way of danger and that explains the courage with which they stormed parliament lad year leaving many of them dead but it sent a strong message to the powers that be and of course the bond of contention which was the finance bill was eventually withdrawn. 

Allow me to talk about a good representation of the Gen Z. Her name is Fiona Mueni Musenya. Unfazed by the fate that life visited on her, she was always a jovial girl who laughed off anything including the difficulties she had gone through so far. She came from ukambani and my guess is that for one reason or the other, she was not able to immediately join college after form four. My guess is also that maybe high school life was not as easy. Probably there was also some difficulty in paying school fees because she came from quite a poor background. After secondary school, she had a short stint as a house help somewhere in Embakasi area and that was also not a very easy life. She confided that the employer was the type that found fault in everything she did, and it was always complaints and abuses over everything. Then an opportunity presented itself when she got a job in the same area to run an Mpesa shop. She did the job for several months before it exposed her to yet another opportunity to run Mpesa shop in DOD headquarters in Nairobi Hurlingham area. Shops within DOD always offer good business considering that the population is high and close to no competition. She would do transactions worth millions every day and that is how she began to deal with us at Absa Bank Hurlingham branch, coming to buy float every day and several times each day. On getting the job and to ease her operations, she moved house to Kibera area from where she operated from. 

She related very well with everyone and in a short time became a darling of everyone in the bank. She would not only say hi to all colleagues on her way but picked talks at ease with all always starting with the guards at the door. Within a very short time, she had become like one of us and we all treated her that way. For some of us like me, we became friends and would talk more beyond the casual laughs and with an easy demeanor, she would share her life struggles, laughing all off or joking all out. 

As fate would have it, she later lost her Mpesa job at DOD and was jobless for some time. She said that she had just been replaced and was back to searching for another job. This time round, she did not take so long getting another opportunity. The relationships she had created opened an opportunity for her to join the Kenya defence forces. she was recruited into the army and trained at Kenya defence forces training school in Eldoret. She told me that they were rarely allowed to use their mobile phones and during that period, we communicated very rarely. On completing her training, I encouraged her to pass by our branch to say hi to the people and so she did. This time round, she wore a more boyish look with short hair. she also looked tired, beaten and emaciated. She had lost a lot of weight as a result of her army training. She had been posted to Moi Airbase Nairobi and would later report there to start off her service to KDF. She confided in me that the training was a very difficult time for her. At one point, she had fallen and injured the upper part of her leg and was going for therapy sessions. She was now finally happy and ready to settle into her new life. 

This year, we talked several times, and she shared her experiences in her new workstation, the challenges and the responsibilities that came with it and her plans and dreams in her new line of work.  Our last conversation was on the 9th of April when I gave her some information which she had asked me to get for her but on the 17th of April, I got a call to inform me that she had passed on, on the previous day 16th April. It was shocking and unbelievable. She was young and was just settling into a comfortable job after many years of struggle. Why did it have to be her and why so soon? I later came to learn that she was in Kitui with a colleague, Mr Orina, riding in one army vehicle before they got an accident along Machakos-Kitui Road. Both died on the spot. Just like that and she was no more. I never knew her family because we never talked about it. It was even sad that I could not participate in any way in her burial preparations like we, Africans love to do. I also learnt after she died, that she was the only child of her parents without any siblings. How hard could that be for her parents?

Fiona’s story is a sad one but a reminder to all of us that life is short and it’s important to live well with all people because lights could go out for any one of us at any time and we need to always have our house in order. The big question is, have you put your house in order?

To my sleeping Friend Fiona Mueni Musenya, part of a soldier’s training is preparedness to die but it’s also said that soldiers never die. They only fade away. You have faded away, but you were a truly good human being in the way you treated and related with all people. 

Fiona was a member of my Thursday stories WhatsApp group. May she rest in eternal peace.

@Stephen Mungai

 FAMILY ROLES

Thinking of roles in our modern-day society makes today’s families monkey playhouses. Jared’s wife seems to complain over everything. For that reason, Jared is never in the house but feels comfortable drinking away hours with his boys. Jared’s wife, Rael is as well rare in the house due to her busy job as sales representative of Tibu pharmaceutical company, a big conglomerate of Indian origin, focused on both manufacture and distribution of medical drugs. Jared’s family is lucky to have Naomi, their househelp, who has been with them since the birth of Janson, their first-born son about 10 years ago. The couple does not compromise on issues to do with the househelp but pay her well above today’s standards, always treating her with respect and dignity and the results show in the care their 3 kids are accorded. Their second born is Jack who is 6 years and their last born is Janice, who turned 3 and joined kindergarten earlier in the year.  Rael earns handsomely in retention salary and sales commissions. Even, she recently joined her company’s vehicle purchase plan and for an affordable monthly payment plan, she rolls around with an Audi Q7 SUV. For her job, she needed a vehicle because she has to keep moving around the country to break new sales grounds and for unending meetings with her existing as well as prospective clients. Her time is largely self-managed but she has periodic sales targets which she easily exceeds every target year. Sometimes she is away for some days on business travels but thank God for Naomi, the kids are always well taken care of. Jared on the other hand is an accountant in Burudani Coffee House, a growing retail chain of coffee shops with 12 branches across the country. Career wise, Jared seems to have stagnated and remained as assistant accountant for some years now, assisting the company’s senior accountant. His qualifications have been little of a hinderance to his growth because he never got to be a CPA K but is well at CPA 5. He has failed two attempts in the final CPA section. Sometimes he feels frustrated about it, but his job keeps him busy all through the year hardly with time for exam preparation, and it gets worse at close of every financial year in May. At that time, he sometimes works till midnight all days of the week, Sundays included. Matter of fact, his earlier plan to achieve degree qualification remains a pipe dream. Jared has kept his Toyota sprinter car for years. This was the family’s vehicle for many years before Rael got her Audi but is well maintained and in very good condition. He has thought of disposing of it many times but gets very low-priced offers, the more reason he has kept it because he has always had no extra funds to top up for a new vehicle. As they were new in marriage, they were lucky to get a good three-bedroom house to rent in Embakasi Nyayo Estate, where they have lived to this day.  The couple hardly does things together and it seems to be getting worse with time. The only tradition they have kept as a family to date is going together to their church, Deliverance church Embakasi, on Sundays. This tradition has also been suffering a lot, of late, owing to Rael’s travels that have increased. Jared also feels awkward riding in his wife’s SUV and sometimes chooses to stay home when they go to church, meet up with his boys or attend to some business somewhere. The Kids are well accustomed to their parents unending ‘jobs’ and accept any reason the parents give for their MIA escapades. The children have learnt to stick with each other under the guidance of Naomi and her being a secondary school leaver sometimes helps the kids with homework. Because Naomi does all the house chores, the children just sit and watch TV and are not used to doing anything in the house. They even leave their plates where they eat from for Naomi to collect and tidy up. The couple does not plan together or run finances together. Jared pays the house rent and children’s school fees. Rael takes care of food, other utility bills and clothing for the children. None knows quite well what the other earns but clearly, Rael earns thrice as much as her husband. That shows in the clothing she wears and the shops she prefers to buy from. She is ambitious and her husband’s lack of vision or ambition has become a serious turn off for her. She doesn’t feel him anymore. She gives him below the sheets once in a blue moon when she feels that it has not happened for so long but only as a duty without feelings, in fact she feels nothing.  This lack of it has also been a big problem for both. They have both kept the faith though, but it is very curious as to how much longer they can hold. Jared tries not to think about it and alcohol helps him to forget his problems. Rael really feels attracted to Jacob, his boss and the regional manager of Nairobi cluster. How on earth did she end up with Jared, unambitious drab of a man who never seems to get anywhere? Jacob for instance is her true definition of a man, ambitious and visionary. Jacob has grown from the days they joined the company close to the same time. Jacob has always exceeded his targets and has been instrumental in guiding Rael to be successful at her job. Jacob has himself grown careerwise to his current role and seems like or conducts himself like the next CEO. The many times they have been out together for business or otherwise, Jacob seems to suggest intimacy but Rael wants to keep it professional and so has she done. The temptation is real and sometimes, emotions well so up in her but she has to remain faithful and that has she promised herself. How long she can be faithful with the current situation at home is a question that she herself cannot answer quite well. Jacob is himself married with 2 children.
Maybe we should ask ourselves a few questions about this family in view of domestic and family roles. What do you think is wrong with this couple? Is each person playing their role well? Does the man have a problem or is he just unlucky? Is the lady too ambitious? Should she tone down for a level to accommodate her man? Or should she leave her job and be a housewife? Shouldn’t a woman stay in the house and take care or the kids? Or should the man be a house man, stay in the house with the kids considering that he is earning less? Are the kids being treated fairly in terms of the time spent with their parents? Should Rael give in to Jacob’s advances and enjoy life because of YOLO ideology? We can ask many questions here, but the truth is that there is a problem in this family, and it may not end up well if nothing is done ASAP to save it.
Modern day family roles have become very unclear and the question of who does what in a family home remains very debatable. A good way of understanding this conflict is to look at the past where men were the sole bread winners for their family, going early morning only to come back late in the evening. The wife would stay in the house and take care of the kids. Things in modern day have really changed because as a man leaves in the morning to go to work, so does a woman also leave for work. Both come back later in the evening, tired and seeking a time to rest and go back to work the next day. At least it is better for Kenya and Africa at large because cheap domestic labour is available. Families can easily hire househelps for small payments at the end of every month. It has even become common place to find families that do none of the hose chores, all being left to be done by the domestic workers. It is different in other parts of the world like Europe where, domestic labour is either unavailable or available at very expensive costs that most families cannot afford. For that reason, people in these places have to divide the roles and perform them literally. This includes taking the kids to school and picking them in the evening or in the afternoon. Therefore, a couple must find a good balance between their work and domestic roles. In these places no man marries if they don’t know how to cook, do dishes and mop the house because, each partner must do some domestic work as agreed or as possible is. Good enough though, the men are used to it from their childhood. I have got used to many men primarily playing kitchen roles as their wives entertain visitors in many Europe family homes I have visited.  
We may further need to ask ourselves a few more questions on family roles. Should we leave all domestic work to be done by househelps? My answer is a big NO. It is dangerous to bring up children who cannot do anything for themselves and they end up not being able to settle in families in future. Of these kids, girls are chaotic in their future marriage homes and would soon be left by their husbands for lack of being able to organize themselves. Boys on the other hand end up being manipulated by their future wives, they die in their marriages because they cannot live alone for not being able to cook or do household chores for themselves. Homes purely run by househelps make a couple model poor conduct to their children, who learn to boss it to househelps and the trend tends to continue.
The topic is wide and debatable, and I wish to keep by view easy and simple. Roles have blurred as years go by but I believe that there are roles that may not be shared by a couple. Who does what in the house is neither here nor there but I recommend societies where women are able to be self-sufficient without their men, women who can pay all the household expenses without their men. It is important because no one knows tomorrow. A man may suddenly die and leave her family in trouble if the wife never became self-sufficient. On the other hand, I recommend men being self sufficient to the extent of cooking the whole day for the family, changing their kids’ diapers, doing the utensils, laundry and cleaning the house. Of course, this is on top of earning enough to take care of all the family expenses. The reason is also that a wife can also die suddenly. Some people may call this emasculation or effeminate tendencies but while I acknowledge that the world and the women of today are craving for strong visionary men to lead them and their families, household chores for men is a strength and not a weakness. It wipes out over-dependency on women by men and to me, independence is a strength and not a weakness. But women here, please tell your men to man-up, share their vision for your family and guide the step-by-step direction on all important areas regarding family life. They should lead you. Maybe we need to dedicate an article for men, their tendencies for weakness and how we should bring up the boys that God has been kind to give us because, there is a big problem with our men today.
My pen’s ink is running out and we must conclude though there is a lot to say on this topic. What does the bible say? Apart from some verses of Ephesians 5 telling men to love their wives and women to submit to their husbands, only Titus 2:3-5 repeats it and says that women should be at Home or be busy at home for that matter. Beyond that, family roles are not quite well defined in the bible and there are still grey areas about what we should do in the modern age. Maybe pastors and priests can help us here.
I don’t wish to say more. The big question for the women is, ‘Are you an independent woman?’ and the big question for the men is, ‘Are you an independent man?’

@Stephen Mungai

 OF LOVERS AND USERS

The main theme for Easter season is love and to allow the season to end without a discussion about love would be an injustice to the season. However, I need somebody to help me discuss this subject because, I feel like I'm not an authority in this area. So, anyone behind there listening to me?  Anyone who can raise their hands to discuss the subject of love? Anyone is willing? Okay well, I’ll try because I don't see anyone raising their hands. So where do we begin this subject? I believe the best definitions of this subject of love exist in the Bible. We should then start by looking at what it says and compare it with the situations in our love lives. Did you know that the biggest job that God gave us in the bible is to Love God and to Love Mankind? (Mark 12:29-31) However, in a materialistic society like we live in, true love is such a rare commodity. Instead of loving people, people love themselves to an extent of misusing other people as they chase their own gains in riches and honour. For that reason, am tempted to categorise all people in your life into just 2 categories, lovers and users. As we do that, I would wish to remind us of a profound quote by one of us that went something like, ‘David, please note, in this world, no one owes you anything’ This is true because to expect reciprocity when we love is to fail at love because , the commend is that we should love and not that we should be loved. As we love however, we need to be wary of users, people who come to our lives seeking personal benefits and not mutuality.    
Let’s look at how God handled this subject. God's love is expressed in John 3:16 which says that God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. This is how God models love to mankind. Mankind. This is why we celebrate Easter every year and the most important lesson for us is that love is sacrificial. Think about your relationships, the closest being the most important. Are you always on the giving side? You call them, you text them, you buy gifts for them, clean the house for them, cook for them, invite them over, pay at the restaurant? Does close to nothing comes from their side but do they rather remain happily on the receiving end? Likely, those are users.  When the society considers you successful, then you are more likely to have ‘vultures’ hanging around you from time to time seeking to use you for personal gain. That is the reason why the successful people in the society seem to have many friends, always coming and sticking around them. Most of those people are users and they run away immediately things go south for you.
The complete definition of love is however given in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and maybe thinking about the text would be a good way of learning this subject.
4. Love is patient. Loss of job can be very traumatizing especially for a man. At that point, a partner should be patient enough to allow you time to get another job but that is only possible if they are lovers and not users. I know of a man who lost job and while doing hunting began some small online jobs in the house while taking care of the kids. His wife would go to work but started coming late and would not be asked because to her, she was the family breadwinner. It later turned out that she had begun cheating with her bosses leading to her workplace promotion. Not remorseful on the discovery, she said that she did it for the family. Truth is, in my opinion this impatience with her man was proof that she was all along a user. Love is kind. No one is too poor to give. If our relationship has you on the giving side and me on the receiving side, then I am likely using you. These are the people who disappear immediately when the fortunes of the giver dwindle or get depleted.  Love does not envy. It is love when someone is genuinely happy for you on your achievements. Have you ever seen people who say nothing when something good happens to you, that person is likely a user. A genuine congratulatory message easily differentiates lovers and users. Love does not boast, it is not proud. Have you ever been around people who want you to know how successful they are? Who keeps telling you they have bought this or that, they know this and that powerful person, they are planning a holiday to such and such destination, children in such and such a school? That is a proud person, using you as listener to their boasting.
5 Love does not dishonor others. Let’s talk about talking behind people’s back. In the office, we used to call it ‘the meeting after the meeting’ where over a cup of tea, people would discuss the conduct of so and so, weighing it on a scale of how bad or evil it is. That is against God’s standard of love. If it is feedback, we need to learn to approach the person directly and give them feedback. So, unless you are discussing a positive thing about a person or unless you can repeat it while they are with you, then don’t talk behind people’s backs. Love is not self-seeking. Have you ever got requests from people you have not talked to for years to participate in their events, especially fundraising?  Pastors are notorious for this. They just appear from nowhere, inviting you to fundraisers to buy church plots or instruments. They have no courtesy to even say hi or find out how you are but want you to give them money. Avoid these people because they don’t care about your life but are just users. Love is not easily angered. Ever been with friends who just disappeared from your life and suddenly want nothing to do with you? They are angry about something, but they have not even given you a chance to explain your side of the story, even against the rules of natural justice. They are very easily angered. Those people are probably users and not lovers. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Ladies can be very notorious in reminding their partners of wrongs committed years back. You make a mistake today and instead of solving that problem, she is there reminding you of other mistakes in the past and that complicates the resolution of the current dispute. Ladies please, once we resolve something, let it not come up again in our future conversations. Otherwise, that person may not be loving you but may be using you instead and that’s why they torment you with guilty feelings, they play victim so they can easily manipulate you.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Ever seen people in your circles or family who celebrate your downfall? The ‘I suspected he wouldn’t go far’ or ‘I knew it would not work for them’ or ‘I knew he would not succeed’ crew? If the people in your circles behave this way and do not seek to comfort you when things go wrong, they are probably not in your life to show you love but rather to use you.
7 Love always protects. Love means protecting those you love from evil. Forewarning them from imminent dangers. For example, you don’t see your people getting into wrong relationships and allowing them to without giving them your reservations as much as allowing them free choice is good. You don’t see your friends making the wrong choices in life like bad investment decisions or destructive habits like alcoholism or sexual immorality, you don’t just let them be because loving them God’s way would mean you forewarn them in effort to protect them from evil. Love always trusts. But just how do you get back to trusting someone who lied to you, cheated on you or just broke the trust you had on them? This one, I need an answer on it. Truly I don’t know how that is done. This is the more reason I propose complete honesty from the word go in all our relationships so that trust is kept and never broken. That way we can always trust. Love always hopes. Ever had friends who always see the dark side of life? They will always see the negative in every positive thing. You are happy telling them that you have bought a piece of land, and they are like, why not buy a building?  I know of a friend who was told by the wife not to feel like they had done a big favor to them by providing food for the family. She told him that food was just F* that you flush in the toilet, and it goes away through sewerage system. These are ungrateful and negative people who can really drain you and if you suspect to have such a person, please drop them. Avoid those people. Love always perseveres. Ever heard of rags to riches love stories where a couple sticks together in difficult times and then God opens doors and life becomes better for them so that they live happily ever after?  This is only a story of movies in the materialistic world we live in today. Partners and acquaintances leave immediately when difficulties come. It is because they are probably users and are not there to love you.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. Users will leave immediately if they get what they were looking for or will leave when they become frustrated in not getting what they came into your life to get.
Immanuel Kant, a historic philosopher, addressed the issue of justice and believed that every human being should be treated with dignity as the end in themselves and not a means to an end, which concurs with the biblical idea of love. Consequently, even mutual consented sex with a person that is not your partner cannot be detached from the idea of using people. In this case, you are using the person as an object for your own personal sexual satisfaction and they are also using you for the same. The people who borrow your money and never return are using you for their own financial endeavors. The employer or boss who keeps you working for long hours, adds you work and gets mad every time you need time off for personal errands could also be a user. Churches that keep asking you to give in unending fundraising events and giving you zero or no support when you need their support are using you. Of course, church ministers who you even raise funds to buy for them vehicles, when there are church members who cannot afford regular meals are also users who should be avoided. Should I talk of politicians who lie to us to elect them, they fail to fulfill their promises, and they come back to use us once more…. we must avoid those kinds of political users.
In my opinion, it is important to assess all the relationships we are involved in and categorize them into either lovers or users. I recommend dropping all the users on the way and remaining only with quality people who love genuinely and genuinely wish us the best in life. It is also important to examine ourselves to find out whether, in our lives, we are using people or loving them. It is immoral to use people for personal ends and we need to  stop that evil behavior.
So, do you consider yourself a lover or a user? In a scale of 1-100, what percentage are all the people in your circles lovers and what percentage are users? Let us drop all users on the way for better quality relationships.

@ Stephen Mungai 

 STIFF NECKED FOOLS

I would wish to start with The Chronicles of a Failed Friendship, starring yours faithfully. Let's put it this way. You have a fantastic idea as regards which direction to follow in life and naturally, you first share it with your best friend. Against expectations, they question the idea. So it went, since they don’t support your idea, they don’t support you and should not be part of you. Without further ado, you cut off the relationship, you stop seeing them, no more calls or texts. You don’t get to hear their side of the story or put your opinion on the table for a careful objective examination by both of you. That Ego! They either take your way or the highway. Full stop. Even without informing them of your decision, you just go mute. After that, time flies out, one month to two months, three months. Shortly after, it is six months. After that time, the devil has oozed out from your head and you realise that you may not have treated this person very good. You come back to your senses and then you're back looking for them. By that time, they have had a depressive time not understanding why a small issue like not supporting your idea would make you cut off the relationship completely, more so without an objective discussion. You finally seek their audience. They forgive you but want no further relationship. You did hurt them so bad, and they can’t stand another possibility for the same. Eventually, both of you decide to end it there and Wish each other best of luck in future. You lose the friend for your ego.  Wiser today, I look back at the incident and ask myself, why could someone not just say exactly what was making them unhappy? Why do people assume to know exactly what is on the other person’s mind, the exact plans they have and go ahead to make decision based on what is on the other person’s mind? This breed of high ego fellows is a stubborn lot to relate to. It is either you are having it their way or you take the highway.
And so goes the story of Hard Heads. They lose friends on the way, loose business deals and chances but cannot lower their pride. They can’t keep relationships. They are serial relationships breakers.
Let's talk about the twin brother to Hardhead. His name is. Ego. Just as the eagle soars to a pressure free zone above currents looking down on other earthlings, just as eagle has strong eyesight to spot prey and is strong defenders of territory, so is Ego humans. It does not matter who they are dealing with, and it becomes worse if you get married to one of them. They soar above everyone to a place of no competition, a pressure free place where only their opinion is important. They have a strong eyesight and already can see clearly, even what their partners are thinking and planning. They know their partners are tied up to them and cannot go anywhere and will always be at their mercy. They know that you are likely to go home and have already influenced even your parents or they exactly know how to fish you out from there. The egos are also very territorial. You never win any argument against them. Even if they realize along the way that they could be wrong, they never cede ground but stick to their guns until you surrender, talk of eagle mentality (read Ego mentality). The sad thing is that these Ego partners stick to their position until they have no partner left to ego over. In the end, they come running to save it but sadly realize that the house is completely burnt down to ashes and there remains nothing to save. They regret but only ki-inside-inside. They cannot admit failure because they never fail. The wise man in the city of Proverbs, street 10 and house NO. 21 had a brush of shoulders with these guys for he said, “The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of sense.” They would rather die than see the sense from your side. Sense is only from their side. About being a fool and dying, of course I have personally died once, twice or perhaps three times. Only that I have promised myself not to die the fourth time because I can’t be a fool for the whole of my life. No.
There is another crop of egos that we need to talk about. These guys who are either university graduates with good jobs or not so learned but successful businesspeople. They have good cars, beautiful families and good investment portfolios. Their children are in private schools. These guys have simply arrived. They usually have little or nothing to do with guys on the other divide; family members who did not work hard enough to make it in life, hopeless fellow citizen that never took life serious eventually settling their families in not so good neighbourhoods, children going to the hopeless public schools. The crop of egos here never miss chance to show who the boss is. They are very careful that their children don’t interact with the hopeless children from public schools, who don’t speak English. They don’t dare leave their children with the hopeless upcountry relatives to prevent them being infected with hopelessness. They avoid family meetings and when in attendance, they avoid eating in homes of those hopeless relatives and quickly drive off with their children to treat them to KFCs chips and chicken. These Egos are even worse animals if they are born again Christians, they know God, are blessed and sometimes ascribe their success to knowing God very well. Added to the list of these Egos are pastors and priests who like to be worshipped by their congregants. All these guys are just living the life and are proud to have worked for it.  These Egos are usually unreachable and sometimes even ignore most poorer peers who come looking for them in their offices. They are practically untouchable. I'm sorry for you if you try to call or write a text message to these people. They will simply not pick calls and will not respond to text messages. The better Egos will respond to messages after 2-3 days, week or month. Of course, they are very busy people focussed on doing important things in life and avoid distraction from the hopeless quarters through meaningless calls or messages. Their fellow Egos are treated good. Their calls picked on 1st ring and messages are responded to instantly. Of course, they live in the same neighbourhood and children visit the same schools. For the sake of peace, stop looking for these people just look for your fellow hopeless birds of a feather and flock together. Sometimes I ask myself a question, really? How long does it take to respond to a text message? And if these guys are as busy, why not employ a PA to handle their communication?  These guys are popularly known as middle class and behave the same way when it comes to politics. Their affairs are well fixed, and it does not matter to them how the country is governed. These guys are respected by their people and could influence the politics of our land but because their lives are well ordered, they don’t care for the rest of the citizen. If I had the power. I would put all of them in a lorry and Christopher Columbus style, discover a country for them and throw them there together with their riches and families. We don’t need them in this country and of course they don’t need us. That is the only way we can change this country.
The great Bob Marley also had an encounter with this kind of people. He felt denied of his simplicity; he felt that those people were always unavailable chasing vanity. They have the wrong interpretation and vain imagination as regards the meaning of life and what is important in life. This is what he sang,
Stiff necked fools, you think you're cool
To deny me for simplicity
Yes you have gone, for so long
With your love for vanity now
Yes you have got the wrong interpretation
Mixed up with vain imagination
Should I talk of that situation where your friend went mute no longer calling or sending text. You did the same and you all arrived at catch 22 situation where you are too proud to go first and find out why your friend went mute. You tell yourself that even they should look for you. If pride continues, the friendship weakens or simply breaks.
Should I give the story of this lady whose husband discovered that she had cheated on him and without remorse goes ahead to justify her sexual escapades with her boss. That it had afforded her the promotion, that she was now feeding the family because the hubby’s job was not paying very well. She wondered why the hubby was mad when she was even paying rent and had transferred the children to private school, paying handsome amounts as fees. She didn’t understand why the hubby was mad.
In my world tour, I came to a country that we can call D. D is a different place where patience and courtesy is the culture that close to all people abide by. No one fights to enter a public vehicle or for food in a queue, a speeding car will slow down to allow a pedestrian to pass or be overtaken by another vehicle, it is cultural to respond to all messages, calls and emails. It looks awkward when you don’t. Back home, how many times do we almost cause an accident as we prove to fellow road users that we had the right of way sometimes by opening the window to hurl insultive F words on Kenyan roads? The pride, unbelievable!!!
I need not say more but just before their fall, please remind these guys what the wise man said in Proverbs 16:18, "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall,"
If only we would all choose to be more humans not to look down on anyone especially the not so lucky in life……. Life would be lived better. We just need to be more humane. Shall we?

@stephen Mungai

 WHERE DO YOU STAND IN THE QUEUE?

Kenyans on X(KOX) is the meeting place for Kenyan creatives. The ideas, knowledge, insights and imaginations are all of immense proportions. Unfortunately like a year ago, I quit X when I felt that X had begun to control me, every free minute on phone scrolling. I dislike being controlled by anyone or anything. I uninstalled it. On KOX, I liked some ideas from Amerix, one famous KOX, whose quote, ‘A man who controls his cravings for food and sex, has solved 90% of his problems.’ I believe, until today.  Let's talk about food. I cannot claim to have completely conquered food cravings but am able to change my food routine anyhow or anytime I feel like. Many times, I lived on one meal a day. One colleague, let’s call her W.N.  was ever amused at my eating habits and every time she asked, I would joke that I was saving for the future, and she would tell me to continue to deny yourself and save but ‘legends’ (referring to my kids) will be happy to flaunt showing off the wealth, after I will have died denying myself. We all knew that the story of Legends was a joke, but I took with me ‘self-love’ lessons which I hold dear to-date.

Talking about denying oneself good things in life reminds me of our African parents who toiled the whole of their lives to make sure that our lives got better. And it worked well because for their toil, we are all better today. For our sake, they literally forgot themselves. The question though is, was that fair or just?  We appreciate their effort, but I think they should have treated themselves more fairly. I do not think it is right to completely deny yourself for anything or anyone else. And controversially, I would say including your children. And don't get me wrong, it is important for any parents to take good care of their children, but it is not right to forget yourself in the process. There are parents who have literally gone mad because of stress accrued in effort to make their kids lead a good life. Parental Advisory! If you feel like your mental health is at stake because of children, maybe there is need to slow down and begin by taking care of yourself. You could begin by taking a weekend getaway. Thank me later. This story reminds me of Baba G. As we grew up, Baba G. was fairly financially successful since he owned several flats, some with over 30 units and would collect handsome rental income every month. But the level of self-denial that baba G. exhibited has not stopped to amuse me to date. First, he never owned a pair of shoes but walked around with a ‘Akala shoes’ (shoes made from old vehicle tyres). Every time he would walk to town (from Nairobi’s Huruma area, where we lived), he would walk the whole journey only consoled by a piece of roasted maize that he usually bought from roadside vendors.

Let me also talk of the best manager that I ever worked under. Let’s call her C.R. Two reasons I think she was great is one, she separated personal issues and work-related issues never meddling but working all the time so professionally. Two, she was always honest and forthright. Instead of beating around the bush, she preferred to go right through the bush. An example is one day when she had decided to have a meeting for all of us after our workday and colleagues would later complain heartily that she was insensitive since some colleagues lived very far, some even 30KM away. Her answer was simple, ‘where a person lives is a personal choice and there are ever so many places near the workplace that someone could have opted to live.  so, if someone chose to go far, that is no reason not to participate in work related activities’ That was profound for me, and I wondered why I was living 26 KM away. I discovered later that owning a home could turn out to be slavery of tiresome long journeys every day(controversial) I even moved to live around 8 KM away and the quality of my life improved tremendously e.g. by daily sleeping longer. While discussing career growth, I told C.R. that I always wanted to be a trainer, and she told me to quit because there were no opportunities for trainers within the organization. I eventually quit and already doing training thanks to C.R. Anyone who sees her, please tell her I appreciate everything, for influencing my life so positively.

Until today, most parents, especially in Africa, continue to live sorry lives, doing everything for their children and themselves living miserable lives. I tend to believe that the only thing we owe our children is education and that is where it ends. This business of leaving an inheritance to them is neither here nor there. of course, the bible encourages it, but it mustn’t be 10M and a pineapple farm. Not really. It could be my forks and spoons. I mustn’t kill myself seeking to leave enormous wealth for my children. We don’t have a contract. No, no, no.  It is this stupidity that has landed former Kiambu Governor, Ferdinand Waititu in prison. I guess he had enough even before joining politics before he allowed himself to be influenced by the demons of hunting and gathering and leaving enormous inheritance to even your children’s children. Now, even the children he so much cared about are stressed daily about their father. So, Mr waititu and many other waititus out there, is it worth it?

I never believed in brands until I upgraded my phone into a Samsung last week. Samsung is amazing. The sound, user interface, the extra offerings…. all super. I have had other good enough brands from some country, let’s call it C. I have eventually realized that the phone brands are mere overtures of the wannabes. Influenced by Sam, I bought my last phone from C. last year at Ksh 39,000. Can you imagine? That would have been enough for a good Samsung phone. Let’s compare the 2 brands in terms of sound system. Music by the brand from C.  is the sound of those mating cats the whole night all-over our roofs that prevented me scoring an A because of the disturbance it caused me every night. Or better, the sound of a tightened throat of the men who were pulled from the streets, thugs’ hands around their necks, before they were released back to the streets without wallets, shoes and sometimes without trousers. In those days, Huruma corner was terrible. But Samsung Sound is an amazing experience. It is the sound of a university professor discussing why that middle age’s philosopher’s theory is as useless as the conquest of the hero who killed a dead lion.

When I told one of my friends that I had bought a new phone. She asked me to reward her with my old phone and I said no. I told her that I cannot participate in propagating an injustice against her. Why would I allow her the dishonour of using someone’s else already used phone when there are so many new phones in the shops waiting for owners? And she told me that she had school fees to pay, rent to pay for business Premises and so on. Then I told her that that was the problem, she paid everyone else and always had nothing left to pay herself. I told her to come to the front of her own resource distribution queue and always start by paying herself. That is why management experts teach that in our list of expenditures, we should always pay ourselves first. I recently heard a lady preacher tell her congregants that sometimes they should delay paying school fees, go for a holiday with that money, then come back to explain to the schools to be allowed to pay slowly. That was important lesson. Be first in the queue is the principle. Let all others follow.

So, need I say more? Think me not. Sometimes I think that if Kenyans began to love themselves more than even their children, many problems we face as a society like corruption would begin to end because people are stealing from public coffers to leave inheritance to their children and children's children.

Just have enough money for yourself and your children’s education. That should be enough. Why do you need so much?

The big question is, in your queue to pay people every month, where do you stand in the queue? I advise everyone to come in front of their own queues.

Matthew 22:39 also asks us to stay in front of our queues, "And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"

Am I speaking to someone?

 

@Stephen Mungai

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 A LAND OF THE BROKEN PROMISES.

I have broken many promises in my life, small promises and big promises, promises made to myself and promises made to others, promises made while few people were present as well as those made with many people present. You would be right to call me a serial promise breaker. But what did You expect? Am only human (Read, am only Kenyan). Furthermore, a big promise broken or a small promise broken are all the same, at least it is so in God’s eyes because to Him, all sins are the same. Sometimes I feel like God is unfair on this ruling. Imagine just looking at a pretty woman lustfully is the same as doing the act with her in a secret room somewhere? It always sounds unfair to me. Maybe we need to petition God on this or use the Kenyan way, enlist Gen Zs to demonstrate and have God rank sins from small ones to big ones. Unfortunately, God cannot be corrected, his kingdom is a theocracy and not a democracy.  

Let’s talk of promises big and small. Guilty as charged, I accept that I broke even big promises but guess what, am just the same with you who broke a small one. You behind there, you who said you would call and never called. Same with you, you who said you would look into it and never did. You, you who said, ‘I will look for you’ and never did. You, you who said, ‘I will follow it up for you’ and never did. You, you who said I will come at 4.00PM but came at 4:37 PM. We are all guilty of lies.  Of course, these are the promises that we make rather casually, just as a by-the-way and have no plan or intention of keeping them. Talk of, ‘I will keep you posted’. Talk of, ‘I will let you know’. Talk of, ‘I’ll send you a message’. We just say things and peoples’ words, especially in Kenya nowadays don’t have meaning. Next time we just need to shut up. I believe that our words should bind us to the action attached to them, otherwise, they are meaningless.

But there is one we Kenyans are most notorious for. And this is, ‘I will pay’. I have heard so many of ‘I will pay you’ promises made to me, and I can tell you for free 95% of the time, that promise is never fulfilled, at least not exact as per the promise. And there are so many versions of it. ‘I will pay you next week on Friday’. ‘I will pay you next month’. ‘I will refund in two weeks’ time’. ‘I will refund next month’. Kenyans will make these promises left right and centre with no intention or plan to keep them. A few months ago, I made a personal decision to try and be making promises more carefully and ensure to keep them. The first test I set for myself was to borrow money from a friend. So, I borrowed Ksh. 100,000 and promised to pay on the 23^rd, the exact date I was to receive my salary and for sure, I paid on the exact date. The second test I set to myself was to clear all my payslip-based loans before I left employment and for several months before, I started paying more than the required monthly repayment amount, as much as I got from all my sources. As to whether I was able to clear before leaving employment or not can be anyone’s guess. So, as a custom from that time, I don’t promise to pay without having a clear plan as to how and from where I will pay and any promise I make needs to have clear timelines in respect of ASAP principle. I know of a few people who borrowed unsecured loans from banks, intentionally left employment to run away from paying their loans and enjoyed their loot. As much I respect that as their personal choice, my personal opinion considers that to be theft. If you did that, you are a thief in my opinion. (I could be wrong)

I have some good news for you Kenyans and any of us who would be a victim of lies from borrowers, a formula to test whether the promise is true or false. A few days ago, a close relative of mine needed to borrow around 10 thousand shillings from me. And this is how the formula goes……... But cautious though, don’t use it if you don't want to hurt or break your relationships because, it can easily break your relationships. The formula is about interrogating. Interrogate, interrogate, interrogate. Like for me, I asked the borrower some hard questions like, ‘why do you need the money?’ And they said, ‘I need to pay rent for my business premise’. And I asked, ‘How come you didn’t earn enough from your business to be able to pay rent?  And they said, ‘Business is a little bit down, competition is high and of late, it's not doing very well’. And I asked, ‘did you not say you will pay me next month?’ Then they said they would pay as promised. Then I asked, ‘How will you be able to pay if your source is the same business and the conditions are not changing?’  And they said, ‘I know but I will pay you’ At this point I knew that, though their promise to pay could be genuine, it would result into a lie because the promise was not backed up by a good plan to fulfil it. Of course, I gave them the money but after some intervention from another close relative, but I would be surprised if the money would be paid, and on time.

The big question is, why do we make promises that we are not even sure we are going to keep?  With no intention nor a plan to keep? I think that the answer is simple, we know we are lying but make the promise as sweet as possible and our aim is only to get what we want. Simple. In Kenya nowadays, ‘I will pay back’ stories is what Kenyans call, ‘stori za jaba’ (unfounded theories).  Of course, I have lost so much money given out to people in the manner of false promises, including one born again brother who has been paying me as he wishes since 2018 and is yet to clear 85K but he does business worth millions every few months. But he is a Kenyan you know and Kenyans never pay back money, at least not as per the promise. In my observation, only 5% do but the rest? They will just pretend like nothing happened. They don’t care what the money giver thinks or feels or the plans they had for their money. That is nothing to them. It is worse if they believe that the person they borrowed from is wealthy. They tell themselves that the borrowing is small and that it is nothing to the giver because they already have too much. How these guys are able to calculate the wealth of their lenders amazes me, so much.  

So, at this point I would wish to ask you. Why did you say you would pay that person but you have kept it for nearly 2 years, 3 months, 6 weeks? Why are you unfairly keeping what is not yours? What if we called you a thief?  Would you feel insulted? You still insist that you will pay. Okay. But when? If you don’t have an exact plan and timeline, then you may as well be called a thief because, it is highly likely that you will not pay. Sometimes, I tend to compare that which is unfairly acquired to wolf among sheep, and I think, it eats up your genuine resources and you eventually end up with nothing.   

 So, I have one more formula that I used while I worked in the service industry. This helped me keep many of my promises unbroken. Instead of saying, ‘I will call you’. I used to say, ‘I will call you by tomorrow evening but if I don't call you, please call me yourself instead’ and at that point, I would give out my phone number. That made the promises easier for me because, I would be exonerated for not calling and that shifted the responsibility to the other person. That is a beautiful secret, or what do you think?

I don't know whether we should talk about Kenya’s president and his promises or his political brigade and their promises!!!  The courage with which these people make and break promises is just amazing. The latest I heard is the 1M chapati production machine. But this calls for introspection for each one of us.

We need to look into ourselves and count the number of promises we still need to fulfil. You can probably begin with that debt that you promised to pay. Just do a plan. You don’t have to pay everything at once. Call that person and tell them that you want to start paying 500 shillings every month and begin to pay. Just do it. In that way, you begin to gain credibility in the eyes of God and men. And in that manner, we can begin to fix this country one step at a time and one person at a time.

Maybe the next step would be to try and make less and less promises, be careful what we promise and concentrate on keeping every promise we make. Am not totally innocent but I have learnt to make less promises and to keep the ones I make. For example, I don't say, ‘I will call you’. Rather I prefer to say, ‘I will call you at exactly 4:00 PM and I do exactly that and if something comes up, I will excuse myself before. When I Know that the meeting starts at 10.00 AM for example, I leave the house 15 minutes earlier so as to be there the exact time the meeting should begin. Some Kenyans will come 35 minutes later and feel nothing. Seriously Kenyans!!! We need to be serious about what we say because, Kenyans cannot be trusted with what they promise. And as we blame the president and politicians for broken promises, how many promises do we ourselves break on a daily basis? It is true that the fish rots from the head but for Kenya, the entire fish seems rotten.

I wouldn’t want to say any word more. But that is my opinion. Do you mind us considering God’s perspective from the holy book?

In Numbers 30:2, God says, “When a man makes a vow…he must not break his word but must do everything he said.” Psalms 15 would also be a good chapter to wrap it up.

Let us remember that God notes every promise that we make and needs us to keep it and while most of us are guilty on this area, we can begin by keeping the promise we make next. Shall we?

                  

@ Stephen Mungai