FAMILY ROLES

Thinking of roles in our modern-day society makes today’s families monkey playhouses. Jared’s wife seems to complain over everything. For that reason, Jared is never in the house but feels comfortable drinking away hours with his boys. Jared’s wife, Rael is as well rare in the house due to her busy job as sales representative of Tibu pharmaceutical company, a big conglomerate of Indian origin, focused on both manufacture and distribution of medical drugs. Jared’s family is lucky to have Naomi, their househelp, who has been with them since the birth of Janson, their first-born son about 10 years ago. The couple does not compromise on issues to do with the househelp but pay her well above today’s standards, always treating her with respect and dignity and the results show in the care their 3 kids are accorded. Their second born is Jack who is 6 years and their last born is Janice, who turned 3 and joined kindergarten earlier in the year.  Rael earns handsomely in retention salary and sales commissions. Even, she recently joined her company’s vehicle purchase plan and for an affordable monthly payment plan, she rolls around with an Audi Q7 SUV. For her job, she needed a vehicle because she has to keep moving around the country to break new sales grounds and for unending meetings with her existing as well as prospective clients. Her time is largely self-managed but she has periodic sales targets which she easily exceeds every target year. Sometimes she is away for some days on business travels but thank God for Naomi, the kids are always well taken care of. Jared on the other hand is an accountant in Burudani Coffee House, a growing retail chain of coffee shops with 12 branches across the country. Career wise, Jared seems to have stagnated and remained as assistant accountant for some years now, assisting the company’s senior accountant. His qualifications have been little of a hinderance to his growth because he never got to be a CPA K but is well at CPA 5. He has failed two attempts in the final CPA section. Sometimes he feels frustrated about it, but his job keeps him busy all through the year hardly with time for exam preparation, and it gets worse at close of every financial year in May. At that time, he sometimes works till midnight all days of the week, Sundays included. Matter of fact, his earlier plan to achieve degree qualification remains a pipe dream. Jared has kept his Toyota sprinter car for years. This was the family’s vehicle for many years before Rael got her Audi but is well maintained and in very good condition. He has thought of disposing of it many times but gets very low-priced offers, the more reason he has kept it because he has always had no extra funds to top up for a new vehicle. As they were new in marriage, they were lucky to get a good three-bedroom house to rent in Embakasi Nyayo Estate, where they have lived to this day.  The couple hardly does things together and it seems to be getting worse with time. The only tradition they have kept as a family to date is going together to their church, Deliverance church Embakasi, on Sundays. This tradition has also been suffering a lot, of late, owing to Rael’s travels that have increased. Jared also feels awkward riding in his wife’s SUV and sometimes chooses to stay home when they go to church, meet up with his boys or attend to some business somewhere. The Kids are well accustomed to their parents unending ‘jobs’ and accept any reason the parents give for their MIA escapades. The children have learnt to stick with each other under the guidance of Naomi and her being a secondary school leaver sometimes helps the kids with homework. Because Naomi does all the house chores, the children just sit and watch TV and are not used to doing anything in the house. They even leave their plates where they eat from for Naomi to collect and tidy up. The couple does not plan together or run finances together. Jared pays the house rent and children’s school fees. Rael takes care of food, other utility bills and clothing for the children. None knows quite well what the other earns but clearly, Rael earns thrice as much as her husband. That shows in the clothing she wears and the shops she prefers to buy from. She is ambitious and her husband’s lack of vision or ambition has become a serious turn off for her. She doesn’t feel him anymore. She gives him below the sheets once in a blue moon when she feels that it has not happened for so long but only as a duty without feelings, in fact she feels nothing.  This lack of it has also been a big problem for both. They have both kept the faith though, but it is very curious as to how much longer they can hold. Jared tries not to think about it and alcohol helps him to forget his problems. Rael really feels attracted to Jacob, his boss and the regional manager of Nairobi cluster. How on earth did she end up with Jared, unambitious drab of a man who never seems to get anywhere? Jacob for instance is her true definition of a man, ambitious and visionary. Jacob has grown from the days they joined the company close to the same time. Jacob has always exceeded his targets and has been instrumental in guiding Rael to be successful at her job. Jacob has himself grown careerwise to his current role and seems like or conducts himself like the next CEO. The many times they have been out together for business or otherwise, Jacob seems to suggest intimacy but Rael wants to keep it professional and so has she done. The temptation is real and sometimes, emotions well so up in her but she has to remain faithful and that has she promised herself. How long she can be faithful with the current situation at home is a question that she herself cannot answer quite well. Jacob is himself married with 2 children.
Maybe we should ask ourselves a few questions about this family in view of domestic and family roles. What do you think is wrong with this couple? Is each person playing their role well? Does the man have a problem or is he just unlucky? Is the lady too ambitious? Should she tone down for a level to accommodate her man? Or should she leave her job and be a housewife? Shouldn’t a woman stay in the house and take care or the kids? Or should the man be a house man, stay in the house with the kids considering that he is earning less? Are the kids being treated fairly in terms of the time spent with their parents? Should Rael give in to Jacob’s advances and enjoy life because of YOLO ideology? We can ask many questions here, but the truth is that there is a problem in this family, and it may not end up well if nothing is done ASAP to save it.
Modern day family roles have become very unclear and the question of who does what in a family home remains very debatable. A good way of understanding this conflict is to look at the past where men were the sole bread winners for their family, going early morning only to come back late in the evening. The wife would stay in the house and take care of the kids. Things in modern day have really changed because as a man leaves in the morning to go to work, so does a woman also leave for work. Both come back later in the evening, tired and seeking a time to rest and go back to work the next day. At least it is better for Kenya and Africa at large because cheap domestic labour is available. Families can easily hire househelps for small payments at the end of every month. It has even become common place to find families that do none of the hose chores, all being left to be done by the domestic workers. It is different in other parts of the world like Europe where, domestic labour is either unavailable or available at very expensive costs that most families cannot afford. For that reason, people in these places have to divide the roles and perform them literally. This includes taking the kids to school and picking them in the evening or in the afternoon. Therefore, a couple must find a good balance between their work and domestic roles. In these places no man marries if they don’t know how to cook, do dishes and mop the house because, each partner must do some domestic work as agreed or as possible is. Good enough though, the men are used to it from their childhood. I have got used to many men primarily playing kitchen roles as their wives entertain visitors in many Europe family homes I have visited.  
We may further need to ask ourselves a few more questions on family roles. Should we leave all domestic work to be done by househelps? My answer is a big NO. It is dangerous to bring up children who cannot do anything for themselves and they end up not being able to settle in families in future. Of these kids, girls are chaotic in their future marriage homes and would soon be left by their husbands for lack of being able to organize themselves. Boys on the other hand end up being manipulated by their future wives, they die in their marriages because they cannot live alone for not being able to cook or do household chores for themselves. Homes purely run by househelps make a couple model poor conduct to their children, who learn to boss it to househelps and the trend tends to continue.
The topic is wide and debatable, and I wish to keep by view easy and simple. Roles have blurred as years go by but I believe that there are roles that may not be shared by a couple. Who does what in the house is neither here nor there but I recommend societies where women are able to be self-sufficient without their men, women who can pay all the household expenses without their men. It is important because no one knows tomorrow. A man may suddenly die and leave her family in trouble if the wife never became self-sufficient. On the other hand, I recommend men being self sufficient to the extent of cooking the whole day for the family, changing their kids’ diapers, doing the utensils, laundry and cleaning the house. Of course, this is on top of earning enough to take care of all the family expenses. The reason is also that a wife can also die suddenly. Some people may call this emasculation or effeminate tendencies but while I acknowledge that the world and the women of today are craving for strong visionary men to lead them and their families, household chores for men is a strength and not a weakness. It wipes out over-dependency on women by men and to me, independence is a strength and not a weakness. But women here, please tell your men to man-up, share their vision for your family and guide the step-by-step direction on all important areas regarding family life. They should lead you. Maybe we need to dedicate an article for men, their tendencies for weakness and how we should bring up the boys that God has been kind to give us because, there is a big problem with our men today.
My pen’s ink is running out and we must conclude though there is a lot to say on this topic. What does the bible say? Apart from some verses of Ephesians 5 telling men to love their wives and women to submit to their husbands, only Titus 2:3-5 repeats it and says that women should be at Home or be busy at home for that matter. Beyond that, family roles are not quite well defined in the bible and there are still grey areas about what we should do in the modern age. Maybe pastors and priests can help us here.
I don’t wish to say more. The big question for the women is, ‘Are you an independent woman?’ and the big question for the men is, ‘Are you an independent man?’

@Stephen Mungai