OF LOVERS AND USERS

The main theme for Easter season is love and to allow the season to end without a discussion about love would be an injustice to the season. However, I need somebody to help me discuss this subject because, I feel like I'm not an authority in this area. So, anyone behind there listening to me?  Anyone who can raise their hands to discuss the subject of love? Anyone is willing? Okay well, I’ll try because I don't see anyone raising their hands. So where do we begin this subject? I believe the best definitions of this subject of love exist in the Bible. We should then start by looking at what it says and compare it with the situations in our love lives. Did you know that the biggest job that God gave us in the bible is to Love God and to Love Mankind? (Mark 12:29-31) However, in a materialistic society like we live in, true love is such a rare commodity. Instead of loving people, people love themselves to an extent of misusing other people as they chase their own gains in riches and honour. For that reason, am tempted to categorise all people in your life into just 2 categories, lovers and users. As we do that, I would wish to remind us of a profound quote by one of us that went something like, ‘David, please note, in this world, no one owes you anything’ This is true because to expect reciprocity when we love is to fail at love because , the commend is that we should love and not that we should be loved. As we love however, we need to be wary of users, people who come to our lives seeking personal benefits and not mutuality.    
Let’s look at how God handled this subject. God's love is expressed in John 3:16 which says that God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. This is how God models love to mankind. Mankind. This is why we celebrate Easter every year and the most important lesson for us is that love is sacrificial. Think about your relationships, the closest being the most important. Are you always on the giving side? You call them, you text them, you buy gifts for them, clean the house for them, cook for them, invite them over, pay at the restaurant? Does close to nothing comes from their side but do they rather remain happily on the receiving end? Likely, those are users.  When the society considers you successful, then you are more likely to have ‘vultures’ hanging around you from time to time seeking to use you for personal gain. That is the reason why the successful people in the society seem to have many friends, always coming and sticking around them. Most of those people are users and they run away immediately things go south for you.
The complete definition of love is however given in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and maybe thinking about the text would be a good way of learning this subject.
4. Love is patient. Loss of job can be very traumatizing especially for a man. At that point, a partner should be patient enough to allow you time to get another job but that is only possible if they are lovers and not users. I know of a man who lost job and while doing hunting began some small online jobs in the house while taking care of the kids. His wife would go to work but started coming late and would not be asked because to her, she was the family breadwinner. It later turned out that she had begun cheating with her bosses leading to her workplace promotion. Not remorseful on the discovery, she said that she did it for the family. Truth is, in my opinion this impatience with her man was proof that she was all along a user. Love is kind. No one is too poor to give. If our relationship has you on the giving side and me on the receiving side, then I am likely using you. These are the people who disappear immediately when the fortunes of the giver dwindle or get depleted.  Love does not envy. It is love when someone is genuinely happy for you on your achievements. Have you ever seen people who say nothing when something good happens to you, that person is likely a user. A genuine congratulatory message easily differentiates lovers and users. Love does not boast, it is not proud. Have you ever been around people who want you to know how successful they are? Who keeps telling you they have bought this or that, they know this and that powerful person, they are planning a holiday to such and such destination, children in such and such a school? That is a proud person, using you as listener to their boasting.
5 Love does not dishonor others. Let’s talk about talking behind people’s back. In the office, we used to call it ‘the meeting after the meeting’ where over a cup of tea, people would discuss the conduct of so and so, weighing it on a scale of how bad or evil it is. That is against God’s standard of love. If it is feedback, we need to learn to approach the person directly and give them feedback. So, unless you are discussing a positive thing about a person or unless you can repeat it while they are with you, then don’t talk behind people’s backs. Love is not self-seeking. Have you ever got requests from people you have not talked to for years to participate in their events, especially fundraising?  Pastors are notorious for this. They just appear from nowhere, inviting you to fundraisers to buy church plots or instruments. They have no courtesy to even say hi or find out how you are but want you to give them money. Avoid these people because they don’t care about your life but are just users. Love is not easily angered. Ever been with friends who just disappeared from your life and suddenly want nothing to do with you? They are angry about something, but they have not even given you a chance to explain your side of the story, even against the rules of natural justice. They are very easily angered. Those people are probably users and not lovers. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Ladies can be very notorious in reminding their partners of wrongs committed years back. You make a mistake today and instead of solving that problem, she is there reminding you of other mistakes in the past and that complicates the resolution of the current dispute. Ladies please, once we resolve something, let it not come up again in our future conversations. Otherwise, that person may not be loving you but may be using you instead and that’s why they torment you with guilty feelings, they play victim so they can easily manipulate you.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Ever seen people in your circles or family who celebrate your downfall? The ‘I suspected he wouldn’t go far’ or ‘I knew it would not work for them’ or ‘I knew he would not succeed’ crew? If the people in your circles behave this way and do not seek to comfort you when things go wrong, they are probably not in your life to show you love but rather to use you.
7 Love always protects. Love means protecting those you love from evil. Forewarning them from imminent dangers. For example, you don’t see your people getting into wrong relationships and allowing them to without giving them your reservations as much as allowing them free choice is good. You don’t see your friends making the wrong choices in life like bad investment decisions or destructive habits like alcoholism or sexual immorality, you don’t just let them be because loving them God’s way would mean you forewarn them in effort to protect them from evil. Love always trusts. But just how do you get back to trusting someone who lied to you, cheated on you or just broke the trust you had on them? This one, I need an answer on it. Truly I don’t know how that is done. This is the more reason I propose complete honesty from the word go in all our relationships so that trust is kept and never broken. That way we can always trust. Love always hopes. Ever had friends who always see the dark side of life? They will always see the negative in every positive thing. You are happy telling them that you have bought a piece of land, and they are like, why not buy a building?  I know of a friend who was told by the wife not to feel like they had done a big favor to them by providing food for the family. She told him that food was just F* that you flush in the toilet, and it goes away through sewerage system. These are ungrateful and negative people who can really drain you and if you suspect to have such a person, please drop them. Avoid those people. Love always perseveres. Ever heard of rags to riches love stories where a couple sticks together in difficult times and then God opens doors and life becomes better for them so that they live happily ever after?  This is only a story of movies in the materialistic world we live in today. Partners and acquaintances leave immediately when difficulties come. It is because they are probably users and are not there to love you.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. Users will leave immediately if they get what they were looking for or will leave when they become frustrated in not getting what they came into your life to get.
Immanuel Kant, a historic philosopher, addressed the issue of justice and believed that every human being should be treated with dignity as the end in themselves and not a means to an end, which concurs with the biblical idea of love. Consequently, even mutual consented sex with a person that is not your partner cannot be detached from the idea of using people. In this case, you are using the person as an object for your own personal sexual satisfaction and they are also using you for the same. The people who borrow your money and never return are using you for their own financial endeavors. The employer or boss who keeps you working for long hours, adds you work and gets mad every time you need time off for personal errands could also be a user. Churches that keep asking you to give in unending fundraising events and giving you zero or no support when you need their support are using you. Of course, church ministers who you even raise funds to buy for them vehicles, when there are church members who cannot afford regular meals are also users who should be avoided. Should I talk of politicians who lie to us to elect them, they fail to fulfill their promises, and they come back to use us once more…. we must avoid those kinds of political users.
In my opinion, it is important to assess all the relationships we are involved in and categorize them into either lovers or users. I recommend dropping all the users on the way and remaining only with quality people who love genuinely and genuinely wish us the best in life. It is also important to examine ourselves to find out whether, in our lives, we are using people or loving them. It is immoral to use people for personal ends and we need to  stop that evil behavior.
So, do you consider yourself a lover or a user? In a scale of 1-100, what percentage are all the people in your circles lovers and what percentage are users? Let us drop all users on the way for better quality relationships.

@ Stephen Mungai