THE LAND OF ‘MARRIED-SINGLES’
The question of marital
status appears on many official forms that we must complete occasionally. While
it is a simple tick on one of the options for some people, it becomes a thoughtful
as well as stressful unpleasant task for some. As may be the case for the divorced,
so is it also for some in marriage whose marriages seem well sat on the fence. For
them, neither ‘married’ nor ‘single’ seems fit. Perhaps an option for ‘married-single’
would fit best. The term "married singles" is today so common-place phrase
in radio talk shows, social media debates, relationship forums as well as Girls
Catch-up Meetings. Of her own making or not, a legally or traditionally married
woman describing herself as such may be indicating a functional issue in her
marriage. Chama day was last Saturday afternoon and as was usual, the meeting
was in Savanna Coffee lounge in Upperhill. The Chama was now more than five years
and so far, had purchased a 2-bedroom apartment on Waiyaki way, earning the
chama 30K monthly. Save for investments, the women really needed the group for
emotional release and support. And as they came in and sat at their favorite
corner, five rings glittered on five fingers as the meeting began with growing
intrigues of the stories behind their wedding bands. For Wangui, her husband
hadn't worked in four years since his last contract ended and hadn’t found
another job but didn’t seem so serious looking for one, yet he still demanded
his shirts ironed and his ego massaged because, he was the man. That morning, Wangui
had quietly paid the rent, bought the groceries, and transferred cash to his
phone so he could buy drinks with his friends. Physically, she had a partner;
financially, she stood entirely on her own. She anchored a home that seemed to
fast lose its soul. Wangui’s was of cases where women step to fill the gap of
"Absent Provider" men. Here, a woman bears 100% of the financial
responsibility for the household and the children without male support. She is
essentially a "married single". As Kamene walked in, her eyes seemed heavy
with exhaustion. She had spent Saturday morning racing between a client
meeting, a pediatrician's clinic, and an academic clinic. Unaware of their
daughter’s high fever or their son’s performance at school, her husband was
home nursing Friday’s hangover. He was like a guest in his own family. Kamene managed
the chaos of parenting entirely alone. Kamene’s case is of men living like
their fathers, completely absent from their children's lives resultantly making
their wives "Married Single Mothers".
Such men often use the excuse of "hustling" or working late to
completely detach from domestic and parental duties. Kamene was a mother, she was a father, she was
alone. Chao stirred her coffee, staring into the dark liquid. She lived in a
sprawling four-bedroom house in Kilimani, yet she had never felt more isolated.
She and her husband shared a roof, a surname, and a chore wheel, but nothing
else. They hadn’t spoken a word of genuine vulnerability in five years. They
moved around each other like polite strangers in a boarding house, fulfilling
duties but sharing no warmth. Chao’s was a case of ‘Flatmate’ syndrome that makes
a couple live like roommates experiencing a catastrophic breakdown of emotional
intimacy. The women here share a roof, bills, and children with a man, but live
separate emotional lives without vulnerability or companionship; the
relationship operates purely on logistics and duty, unfortunately so, even
their sex life. They are simply
"roommates with a marriage certificate." Nanjala adjusted her scarf,
her smile tight. Her husband’s car hadn't been in their driveway since Wednesday;
everyone in their social circle knew about the college girl he rented an
apartment for across town. Yet, Nanjala refused to leave. The shame of a broken
customary marriage and the nightmare of returning the dowry kept her anchored.
She wore the ring like a shield against societal gossip, living like a widow
behind closed doors. Nanjala was a victim of the booming "sponsor"
and "Mpango " culture which runs alongside legalized polygamy. In Kenya
today, It is common for married men to emotionally or physically desert their
primary homes to live with other women or spend their weekends out, leaving
their wives alone. Because the legal or customary process of divorce and
returning dowry is complicated, stressful, and highly stigmatized, many women
choose to stay in the marriage for the sake of societal standing or the
children, while living a completely single lifestyle. Finally, Makena seemed to
radiate a different kind of energy. Her wedding band sat next to a massive
diamond she had bought for herself to celebrate a corporate promotion. She
loved her husband, but she refused to be consumed by his shadow. She kept her
own bank accounts, bought her own plots of land, and traveled with her
girlfriends whenever she pleased. For Makena, the title was an option, not an
identity. Her freedom and happiness were paramount beyond the marriage knot. Makena
did not mind other fascinating romantic encounters occasionally just for the
thrill of it and why not, she preferred to be more single than married. Makena
is a case of highly empowered Kenyan women for whom marriage does not define or
restrict them. They maintain their own social circles, financial assets,
investments, and independent decision-making capabilities without being
subsumed by their husband's authority. And so were the five rings, five
marriage certificates and a common reality. So goes the stories of the five and the conclusion
that would largely blame it on the men of today, who hardly man-up. And as their
Chama treasurer Wangui paid the bill, they all looked at each other, smiled
through the intrigues of their stories, and toasted to the sisterhood of the
married singles.
©Stephen Mungai
